I'm a first-time poster and have been reading this board for close to a year. I'm seeking some advice, as I'm unsure which direction to pursue. Here’s some quick backstory: my 90-year-old mother, who is experiencing increasing dementia, lives alone in her home. Of her four remaining children, I am the oldest daughter (70). Three of us live out of state. While visiting in the summer of 2019, a family friend mentioned he had noticed short-term memory issues with my mom. My sister and I began discussing the future and what it might hold as these issues progressed. We planned for both of us to visit our mom from out of state for two weeks every quarter, which started in the fall of 2022 (post-COVID, as travel before that was compromised). During our visits, we have continued to make the necessary adaptations to accommodate her declining memory and decreased mobility (she uses a rolling walker with a seat). We also schedule and take her to all her doctor appointments while we're there, as well as perform a deep clean of her home. When we are not visiting, we call her three times daily to check in and provide some social interaction. Additionally, we have two cameras placed in her home (unbeknownst to her) that we monitor regularly, and she has an ADT necklace for emergencies. A year and a half ago, we purchased an upright freezer for her entryway, allowing us to cook, pack, label, and store her favorite meals for her to eat between our visits. All packaging is in microwave-ready trays with lids, and we fondly refer to it as her “café.” She pulls meals for the day and lets them thaw on the counter until mealtime. This system was established to prevent her from trying to cook (she struggles to follow a recipe), and there’s a risk of fire if she forgets that the oven or stovetop is on. We do her grocery shopping every other week (using Instacart delivery), which only requires getting perishables like produce, milk, and fruit. On our last visit, we shut off the breaker to the range and oven. Knowing her mobility will likely decline further before the end of this year, we are quietly looking at placement facilities for when that occurs, as she doesn’t have the resources for daily home help. Placement, as well, will require her to sell her home to cover the cost of her care. Our current dilemma involves the one sibling who resides locally and serves as the Attorney-in-Fact for her Trust. He has essentially ghosted both Mom and the rest of us over the past couple of years. He claims that he has placed her Trust in his safe. We need his assistance to obtain a copy of her Trust so we can determine how to proceed when the time comes. I am a proactive person, and we need to have an agreed-upon Plan B moving forward. Her primary care physician is also asking for a copy of her Medical Power of Attorney. However, we do not know if this was included in her Trust. He has not responded to several requests for this information. I reached out to the attorney who prepared the Trust back in 2004, but he will only meet with our mom, who doesn’t even understand that she has a Trust, nor why she needs one. My question is: how should I proceed? Should I reach out to the Trust attorney and inform him that we are not receiving responses from the Attorney-in-Fact? We have attempted to discuss this with Mom, but she is dismissive and unwilling to accompany us to visit the Trust attorney. I'm considering confronting my brother and letting him know that we will be visiting the Trust attorney if he doesn’t respond to us by a specific date. I look forward to your collective wisdom.
There is really no down side for you to load Mom in the car and attempt to get a copy from the lawyer.
I'd go to the lawyers office (call in advance) maybe after a doctors appointment. Don't say much to Mom, just say we have to get a copy of something for the insurance company or a copy of something for your doctor.
Ideally both of the sisters go. Drive to law office. One sister stays in car with Mom, the other goes inside, talks to the legal asst and tells them you need lawyer to come out to the car to talk to Mom. Tell the legal asst and lawyer you need copies of Mom's docs to get her placed and her PCP needs copies to continue treatment. (I'd tell them this without Mom present.) Bring lawyer out to car to talk to Mom.
I don't think there is a down side to attempting this. I've had bankers come out to the car to visually see Mom so we could open an account in her name.
I've also had Mom's doctors office staff come out to the car for a treatment approval.
If you try this call the lawyer in advance and tell them you are bringing Mom by to get a copy. Don't have advance conversation with Mom. You tell her in the car when you are several minutes out that "the insurance company needs a copy" or "her doctor needs a copy" or "the government needs a copy."
Good luck with everything. Sorry you are going through this.
I believe in gradual escalation with family matters.
phone call first--voice mail to leave: "Hi brother, hope your summer is going well. Mom is declining and can no longer safely live in her home and sister B and I are going to tour facilities on our next visit. The facilities require a copy of Mom's trust and also her doctor requires a copy of Mom's medical power of attorney before they will admit her. Please send a copy via email to sisterA at sister A's email or courier a copy via FedEx or UPS send day air to sister A's street address.
We really appreciate your assistance with this and this will allow us to make a plan for Mom and find a good placement for Mom. We will keep you advised every step of the way.
++++each of you leave the above voice mail+++++
If no response in 3 days
Then each of you leave a nice text similar to the above voice mail.
If no response to the above texts in 3 days then I'd send a nice letter with a tracking number. I would not require signature but some way you can track delivery. Either FedEx 3rd day no signature or UPS 3red day no signature or
certified US mail no signature
If no reply 3 days after delivery I'd talk to an elder lawyer.
An alternative is if she has a fall and is hospitalized to mention who is her atty in fact. Tell them who handles financials. Tell them if you think she will be an unsafe discharge. Mention that her doctors also say she is unsafe. They will pressure him.
Also, with a Trustee who is apparently already doing Trustee work, that is the person who will be financially and legally responsible now for mother, her bills, and her care placement.
I think that you two sisters, who apparently are being ghosted by brother who isn't involved in care but is APPOINTED to be, need to consult an elder law attorney for some options on how to legally get mom protected. It may be necessary to call in APS and you may want to start there, because that at least is without cost. Tell APS that mother needs safe care, brother is apparently attorney-in-fact, and no one can contact him.
Allowing her to live alone under the circumstances is asking for problems. What if she lets someone she doesn't know in the house? Cameras? How would that help? What if she wanders? Food in the freezer? That won't help if she gets hit by a car. Using a microwave? The day will come when she doesn't understand what it is or how to work it. She could be okay one day and the next day, that knowledge has left her. You may not think she's unsafe today, but tomorrow could be hell. They change without warning.
You may need to get your own attorneys to counter the Attorney-In-Fact. No one should move in with mom. That's an octopus with tentacles, and the tentacles have tentacles. She needs professional care in a place where she is safe.